Have you ever been sitting with a friend telling you that he or she is planning on committing suicide? Or have you maybe heard about people around you or friends to friends that has decided to finish their lives? I’m sorry if you have. It’s a rough thing to go through, especially if it happens more than once. In my case, unfortunately, this tends to reappear.
When I was fifteen, my friend tried to kill herself. I knew she was in a really bad place by then, but I had never seen that coming. You see, suicide to me wasn’t exactly something I saw as a common thing or “likely to strike”. I mean, I’d heard about it. You now “people around you or friends to friends” that had done similar things, but why would that happen to somebody I knew? Well, I was to find out that suicidal thoughts wasn’t as rare as I pictured it. As it turned out, nearly everyone I knew was struggling with something in life. And some of them couldn’t handle it anymore.
The friend I told you about nearly made it. She tied a snare in her room and hung herself in it. By the moment she was found, her brain was already damaged from the lack of oxygen, and she was in a coma for a month before she woke up. When she did, I though she’d be herself again. What I did not know, naïve as I was, was that the damage on her brain would not only rub her physically, but make her a completely different person. She never got normal again, and her family had to reset their lives completely to be able to watch her over and help her out with anything from getting out of bed to eating. Thinking about how her story ended, it really breaks my heart. On the same time, the suicidal thoughts in her head was gone, and that one time became no more than one time.
That is the difference between her and other friends of mine that also are ill. Some of them have tried to suicide several times without success, and they are planning on doing it again. That is probably the worst part: I know that they don’t feel well, I know that they pretty much could go and kill themselves any minute. But what can I do? I feel so small when I try my best to save my friends from ending their lives and they tell me that it doesn’t matter what I say; they’ve made up their mind. And if I manage to stop somebody, they might feel okay for a while. But sooner or later it’s coming right back at them and there I stand, in their eyes lucky as few and perfectly happy but actually completely ruined inside, asking the thin air: Is there nothing I can do? (The question used to be formulated differently, but when I didn’t get any answer, I sorta exchanged anything for nothing.)
Sitting with my friend telling me that he or she wants to die, I want to go down with them just because it is too devastating. Actually, in that moment, I hate living because it’s too unfair. But above all, I want to shut off completely because it is too hard to understand how somebody that has not yet started their life already wants to end it. I don’t get how we became so unhappy! Really, how did we get here?!
Well, it doesn’t make any difference anyways. Look Beautifuls; it is how it is, and we can’t do much about it. What we can do is to see each other and to help those who are falling to get back up. We are only human, and one day you may be on the bottom yourself.
Never try to handle suicidal thoughts on your own, though! Not your own and not somebody else’s either. Because no matter you believe in it or not, you will get dragged down too. It is not selfish to put yourself first. Besides, how are we ever gonna be any help if we too are as down as the people we want to help? ♥︎
Take care of your beautiful selves,